Sigh..

I am writing this to get ‘it’ out. So please excuse any grammatical errors.

So, where to start?

Ok, here. I am more depressed right now than I have ever been, and that is pretty bad. I’ve been fighting it by trying to keep busy, and as I got worse, I tried working harder. Combined with major insomnia from my hospital stay and I am struggling.

I might be able to return to work soon. I thought I did rather well on my recent ‘Functional Capacity Exam’ but I am still waiting to hear if the insurance company deems my current state permissible. Even if they OK it, I still need acceptance from the local management. But in my current frame of mind I am worried that I won’t be able to perform.

It’s not one thing making me nutty, it’s a culmination. Obviously, I miss my bike. Hearing the rumble of passing pipes is tough. The freedom of the ride and talking with other riders are things immensely enjoyed. Not working is hard- very hard. After rehabbing to the point where I could manage most basic tasks alone I enjoyed being home every day. But I started feeling like I wasn’t doing anything to bring home the bacon which helps create stress over money. I get 60% from disability and Lysa has returned to work, but that missing 40% is tougher to deal with than I first thought. The list could go on, but I just don’t feel like it.

I started painting the porch as a project to help me keep sane and help rebuild my strength and stamina. Once underway I began to realize how much work was ahead, and almost everyday a new surprise was sprung. The ‘to-do’ list grew, and the heat was on, literally. The porch has a 10’ ceiling, and it collects heat. It was so much fun repairing a 15’ long crack before I could paint it during the hottest week thus far. (The medications I am on make me sweat from scratching my nose, so you can imagine how sweaty I was.) I started pushing harder just wanting to get done. A good bit of work is still needed but since most of the painting is finished it’s almost ready to put the furniture back and do some of the projects later.

Sorry to get off track there, I am not one to ramble. But I have so much going on in my head and can’t get my mind to stop racing. It’s starting to take a toll on family and friends, since lately I have become a little withdrawn. I don’t want to interact with people at the moment, as I would just be distant, and my greetings hollow. I don’t mean to push anyone away, so please, a little patience would be appreciated.

As time rolls on..

I've been painting the porch for the past week and probably still have at least another week to go. We decided white paint with hunter green trim would look nice, but painting on old, dried-out panelling that needed a bit of patching is tough as the paint just gets sucked right up. Ah, it'll look good when it's done. Getting up and down the ladder hasn't been the easiest thing, but it's been great exercise and awesome therapy.

But I want to get back to work, and soon! I don't know if my old company intends to hire me back or not, but the more time that passes, the likelihood subsides. They won't let me return until a doctor says I can lift 50 pounds. I know I can, but I need official paperwork so I have a strength test on June 12th to hopefully rectify this situation. Four hours long. Yep, FOUR HOURS. Hell, I ain't doing a damned thing the day before and will probably need a week off afterward!

If it gets me where I want to be, I'm all for it.

I'm ready, let's go

On February 11th, 2007 I was involved in an accident, as a truck pulled out in front of me without looking. I was badly injured with a grade 4 laceration on liver, a bunch of broken ribs, minor brain injury and various other cuts, bumps and bruises. I could have very easily died right then, and various times in the hospital but not to worry, the driver of the truck was cited – he was given a Right of Way violation which carries a fine of $50.00 or less.

I woke up 3 weeks later, with no recollection of the accident. The entire time I was in my coma-like state I suffered non-stop nightmares that were likely coinciding with all the strong medications and the various complications and procedures I was going through. One night I had a blood clot leave my liver and got into my lung making it hard to breathe. While I have no memory of this because of all the drugs, I was still able to know I needed help. I tore the tubes from my leg, chest, throat and my privates and headed down the hospital hallways for help. Even though I had lost 41 pounds, it took 6 people to restrain me and get me strapped into bed. I couldn’t wait to get out, and I left the hospital about a week after I awoke to start finishing recovery and rehab at home.

I must stop for just a moment and give thanks, as many are due. Thanks to the hospital staff, for keeping me alive and as comfortable as possible. Thanks to Mom and Dad, for visiting might after night and making sure I ate, and giving the love only parents can give. Thanks to my brother Chris who made me stick my tongue out to take a picture to remind me how cute I looked the day after the accident. Thanks to Chainsaw and Girl Geek, who put out a nationwide call to all bikers about my incident resulting in bazillion cards, then brought them in for me to open. It was simply awesome to open all of them and see so many wishes of support, from people I have never met. Thanks to Susan Sturgis who brought me a new Ride Bell, in hopes my Guardian Angel will continue to ride by my side. Thanks to the Christian Bikers who came in often to pray for me and my family, as their words gave strength and comfort to all and helped me re-establish a connection with God. And a giant group thank you to everyone mentioned and all my family, friends and coworkers for the visits, kind words and prayers. There were so many people around me giving me support, and for that, I thank you. I never realized how many caring people I had in my life. In more ways than one I am a very lucky man.

But my biggest thanks go to my wife, Lysa. Her loving determination alone could have kept me alive. She kept her wits, and stayed focused. She kept both my hands and my heart warm. We both thank all of you for the tremendous support and love Lysa received as well. I am fortunate to have her, and we are both privileged to have so many.

Tuesday, May 8th I had the drain removed from my chest cavity so I no longer have to carry that percutaneous drain around like a fashion accessory and now only have a hole in my side that should heal in a month. My doctor said returning to work should not be a problem- with a lifting restriction of 20 pounds which is causing a problem with my employer’s insurance company. They say I should be able to lift 50 before I can return, but that could be a month, maybe even longer. Returning to work would be a huge mental lift, as money is getting tight since short-term disability doesn’t pay that much and Lysa didn’t go to her job for a few months, instead working for me tending to my needs.

Now I am doing chores and pushing myself a little further each day to build stamina. Not getting into bed as often can be tough. (Yes Lysa and Mom, I still get rest as I need to.) But my brain has cleared the fog and the pain is not constant, at least at the moment.

Life is waiting for me and I am extremely ready to see it again.