Bam..

Well, a lot of things have happened since I've last blogged. Wait, that's a lie. Actually, not too much has happened but what DID occur has had me so pissed-off, confused and many other descriptive words that my poor brain - already adverse to normal function due to the accident - went into meltdown . Initial instinct wanted me to get on here just about immediately after afore mentioned occurrence and post the plethora of four-letter words that were freshly practiced verbally and certainly plentiful, but out of respect for those that peruse this blog I wanted to take time to sort my thoughts and ensure the ensuing rant would be accurate without every 3rd word rated xXx. That being said, this is a long story but I will make every effort to keep it a quick and easy read.

I was excited when the insurance companies and doctors approved my return to work after the accident. The company either couldn't fill my position with a worthy candidate during my absence or they truly tried to wait and see if I could return within a timely manner and reclaim my job. I believe they couldn't find anyone, but being as I had over 5 years in and I really enjoyed the job and most of the employees, it was a no-brainer. It was a huge step mentally and looked forward to again being a productive slave for da man, um- rather, a productive member of society.

Immediately, I sensed things were different everywhere in that building, and with every employee - and that was before I even got to add sugar to my coffee. After a near 5 month absence, I felt it proper to reintroduce myself to everyone and share my appreciation for the many thoughts and prayers. Turns out that 3 of the 9 people I spoke with that morning  pulled me aside to fill me in on some ugly stuff going on the past few months, and since I trust those that gave the scoops I became worried. Just over an hour into my first day back and I am already bumming. One hour later, a customer came to return a rental. Upon completing the paperwork we walked to the yard to get his truck unloaded and a mechanic on a forklift offered help and since I needed a forklift, I accepted. But somehow, in the eyes of the store manager, I was wrong. I was scolded for not going to get a forklift myself. I shrugged it off and got the customer on his way and then approached the manager to explain I didn't ask anyone to do anything, and the mechanic just happened to be there at the right time. Didn't matter, I was wrong, and was told I needed to do things for myself. I just agreed and went on with my day.

I started my second day determined to just start new. Ridiculous I needed to think that, but I figured maybe I was indeed somehow wrong and maybe I was just a little sensitive since the accident or something.

Part of the reason I enjoyed working there was that everyday presented new challenges but the core personnel worked together, like a family, to get the job done. There were ups and downs like anywhere else but I stayed because of the people. I was a salesman but did whatever it took to help everyone, and the last few weeks were an example of that. Due to vacations and being short employees I found myself working as a mechanic 7 days out of 10. Whatever, I didn't mind. I did what I could so the real mechanics could focus on other things.

Now, on Tuesday I had started early to open the store and stayed late because some things needed to be done. The next day I was called and asked to come in late because I had too many hours and they didn't want to pay me O.T. Quite ignorant, I thought, but again, whatever. I am just an employee doing as told.

So Thursday morning, this manager asks me for 'project x', and I tell him it's not ready, and after he asks why it's not complete I tell him 2 reasons. First, it's hard to complete office work when I am in the yard and garage. Secondly, when I am asked to work only 4.5 hours on the days I am in the office projects are difficult to complete.

Just before I am preparing to leave for my appointment the manager wants to chat. Well, kind of. He starts by raising his voice saying I should not question his decisions of the hours I work. I tried to comment when he started yelling, about what I don't know. I started blocking it out because I knew it was stupid and pathetic. But I started laughing  when he said that my numerous and never-ending doctor appointments were becoming detrimental to the business. He then stated that my injuries were not allowing me to completely and correctly complete my work. Yes, I was laughing, because I have never heard such BULLSHIT in my life. I have always given my all. I have always done my job, and sadly enough at that place, half the work of others. I am willing to do whatever, whenever, in order to satisfy the customer. And upon my return since the accident, I have NEVER once said I could not do something because of an injury. NEVER.

As his conversation ended, he also mentioned that if I was not able to cool off by the time my appointment ended to just go home for the day. I suppose he was afraid of more overtime?

I didn't know what to think. I was just disrespected to the point I wanted to rip out his throat. After my appointment I went home. I probably should have returned to work but I could not. After going what I went through just to live, and I have to hear this kind of shit? All I wanted was to return to work, return to life, and show I was back! But this asshole has a bad day and finds me an easy target.

I got a call from his assistant asking if I was coming back, and I simply said no. He asked if I was coming back the next day, and again, I said no.

Because of my actions, I am ineligible for unemployment and I can't file any real complaints because I never put any in prior to that day. So now I worry because I have no job, but plenty of bills. I still have responsibilities, but no way to take care of them. I let my pride take over, and I stress more and more everyday because of it. The job market isn't real healthy right now, and I think I've stressed myself to the point I am now sick.

I went from the highest of highs after beating death to now feeling low and extremely miserable over concern I will not be able to care for my family.

I don't have a way to close this entry, and the writing is not my best and even when considering it is a rant, it's difficult to read. If you have read all this, my apologies.