Sigh..

I am writing this to get ‘it’ out. So please excuse any grammatical errors.

So, where to start?

Ok, here. I am more depressed right now than I have ever been, and that is pretty bad. I’ve been fighting it by trying to keep busy, and as I got worse, I tried working harder. Combined with major insomnia from my hospital stay and I am struggling.

I might be able to return to work soon. I thought I did rather well on my recent ‘Functional Capacity Exam’ but I am still waiting to hear if the insurance company deems my current state permissible. Even if they OK it, I still need acceptance from the local management. But in my current frame of mind I am worried that I won’t be able to perform.

It’s not one thing making me nutty, it’s a culmination. Obviously, I miss my bike. Hearing the rumble of passing pipes is tough. The freedom of the ride and talking with other riders are things immensely enjoyed. Not working is hard- very hard. After rehabbing to the point where I could manage most basic tasks alone I enjoyed being home every day. But I started feeling like I wasn’t doing anything to bring home the bacon which helps create stress over money. I get 60% from disability and Lysa has returned to work, but that missing 40% is tougher to deal with than I first thought. The list could go on, but I just don’t feel like it.

I started painting the porch as a project to help me keep sane and help rebuild my strength and stamina. Once underway I began to realize how much work was ahead, and almost everyday a new surprise was sprung. The ‘to-do’ list grew, and the heat was on, literally. The porch has a 10’ ceiling, and it collects heat. It was so much fun repairing a 15’ long crack before I could paint it during the hottest week thus far. (The medications I am on make me sweat from scratching my nose, so you can imagine how sweaty I was.) I started pushing harder just wanting to get done. A good bit of work is still needed but since most of the painting is finished it’s almost ready to put the furniture back and do some of the projects later.

Sorry to get off track there, I am not one to ramble. But I have so much going on in my head and can’t get my mind to stop racing. It’s starting to take a toll on family and friends, since lately I have become a little withdrawn. I don’t want to interact with people at the moment, as I would just be distant, and my greetings hollow. I don’t mean to push anyone away, so please, a little patience would be appreciated.